Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.

   name a more iconic trio than Phone, Keys and Wallet

   almost 61 years ago 2 people had sex and now I have to go to work everyday

   *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

   My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

   All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

   me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

   *puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

   A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.

   Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

   Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."

   The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough ... now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

   I'm just saying if she's into metric then I'd love to meter