Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

   My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   So studies now show pot isn't as good for you as people thought. You can drop dead from smoking a Joint. Hell of a way to meet Bob Marley.

   I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn't allowed to hit me.

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?