Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Before I was married I had three theories about raising children...now I have 3 children and absolutely no theories!!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Has finally found my Christmas spirit. Now if I could just remember where I put those candy cane shot glasses, I could start drinking it...

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   Twas the night before Christmas, and I have not a joke, just a bunch of these presents and now I am broke. I shall awake in the mornin and hear all the chatter, watch my children open gifts realizing the clothes dont matter. To all of you out there I wish

   What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

   The christmas nativity play was cancelled. Not due to religious reasons, but because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   My girlfriend complains that I don't tell her how much I love her. I don't want to upset her.

   Hey Everyone just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.. If you can't be good....... be carefull.. Have a safe and fun holiday...

   Anyone else put snowballs in the freezer in anticipation of a snowball fight you don't plan on losing?

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   lost it now by the fact that for years guys psyche have been bombarded by the eternal equation.."Girls like Teddy bears"..and now after a lot of efforts over the years when I am near that figure..all of a sudden six pack phenomenon kicks in...Damn you B

   Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong

   Mrs Claus must get quite lonely this time of year. Hmm...think I'll take a ride up to the north pole tonight. ;0)

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   My son finally found out Santa isn't real, but he claims he heard footsteps on the roof the last couple years on Christmas. This year instead of leaving cookies and sleeping, he's going to sit on the roof with a shotgun.

   Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles