Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....

   Dear Facebook Family...Thanks for being the Joy to my World...Merry Christmas!

   There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries

   no matter how many years go by I still always end up getting banished to the kid table.

   just called 911. To report a fat white guy in a red suit just broke in to my home and snatched up a plate of cookies. Hey fatty you left your presents. We got your finger prints and we be looking for you. You so dumb.

   Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.

   Due to 9 empty traps, today's planned Iron Chef Reindeer Challenge will be postponed.

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...

   My friends cars gas tank is on E. And we're still driving. Call me crazy.......but I think we just beat the system!

   thinks Bill Gates and Steve Jobs should be Santa Claus and forced to give us all presents

   broke as a mofo..why can't Santa Claus be real????

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   some weird fat man with a white beard wearing red clothes just shoved me into a big red sock... OK people, which one of you asked to get me for Christmas??

   The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there ..

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Before I was married I had three theories about raising children...now I have 3 children and absolutely no theories!!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Has finally found my Christmas spirit. Now if I could just remember where I put those candy cane shot glasses, I could start drinking it...

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red