Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫

   Relationships are like fat people... they just don't workout !!

   What's another word for synonym?

   Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

   Whoever keeps shaking the snowglobe.... "STOP!"

   Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.

   It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.

   Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner.

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!

   My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth all night...