Funny Status Messages

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.

   I missed my mammogram appointment yesterday. When I called today they said they could squeeze me in.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   The problem with driving an old air-cooled Volkswagen bus is kids keep mistaking it as an ice cream truck, and the worst part is it's so slow they could almost catch you.

   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..

   How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.