Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   See you in tea ~ say it, slower, spell it

   The fickle public will lose interest in the Kobe crash faster than they did with Popeye's chicken sandwich.

   In the past week, the media has inundated us with a partisan train wreck and ended it with a helicopter crash.

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   My whole problem with Facebook is I say what's on my mind. Like I'm doing now for instance.

   My Korean co-worker was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner today. But someone let the cat out of the bag.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.

   The real gems are the woman who knew Yoda before he was turned into a baby.

   You know what goes great with the Corona Virus? Lyme Disease.

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)

   I go gas for a $1.49, but its too bad it was at Taco Bell.

   Looking at my kitchen junk drawer I think I finally have enough miscellaneous things accumulated to build a spaceship to get off this rock!

   Just been reading a letter from my Chinese penpal in Wuhan and apparently they hav

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   If you want to know what cereal you don't have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

   The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

   “Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru