Funny Status Messages

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)

   I go gas for a $1.49, but its too bad it was at Taco Bell.

   Looking at my kitchen junk drawer I think I finally have enough miscellaneous things accumulated to build a spaceship to get off this rock!

   Just been reading a letter from my Chinese penpal in Wuhan and apparently they hav

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   If you want to know what cereal you don't have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

   The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

   “Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."

   When the judge told Mickey he couldn't grant his divorce from Minnie just because you say she crazy. Mickey said, I didn't say she crazy..... I said she's f***ing Goofy.

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

   Bless the millions that will be attending the March for Life in DC today, with our President.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   STACY mom, wife, teacher. Also a lying actress.

   After years of changing beds & emptying bed pans, the song "Bootylicious" never did much for me.