Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.