Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say a computer keyboard is germier than a toilet. I'm not surprised with all the sh*t emails I get.

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   why do all the new smartphones have porn on them? Who in their right mind is out in public thinking, "ya know i'd really like to jerk off right now"?

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."

   Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   She turned me into a newt! But I got better.

   snowed inn with his family a loaf of bread and 3 fish...uh what was that recipe again Jesus?

   misses the days when someone could watch an actual music video on MTV. I also miss the days when we didn't have to watch a 60 sec ad that loads oh so fast, but what the video we want to watch will take another 3 minutes.

   I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!

   Relationships are like farts, if you push to hard, things could get messy!

   I'm not saying you're a D!ck but Brett Favre just texted me your picture.

   Has anyone ever realized what a klepto the little mermaid was...? Kids, it's okay to steal things as long as you keep them in your hidden cave, and sing about them.

   just turned water into kool-aid. Your move Jesus

   I'm gonna assume my sisters email got hacked and that she has not really resorted to becoming a penis pump sales person..

   did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite.. all he wanted to do was Eat, Drink and be Mary

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   It's not that I hate you, it's just.. well i'll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I'd drink i

   ♪♫♫♪Accept the Poke. THAT'S IT. Then Poke me back, Game over. Then I can Poke you, then Poke me back. And were done. That's it, That's all I want. Then I'll Poke you again, and you Poke me back. Poke Me Back♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫