Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'

   People spend their entire lives waiting for their ship to arrive, not realizing that they are in fact standing in an airport

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles tomorrow morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop like some of you guys.

   thinks some people should not be allowed to drive, reproduce, or breathe........and especially not all at the same time

   loves the Daisy air rifle he got for Christmas and is anxiously awaiting the first Jehovah's Witness to come to the door!

   For some reason, my posts don't seem nearly as funny to me once I've sobered up.

   Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....

   Women never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back

   Number 1 drinking rule: NEVER DRINK ALONE... Come on Sponge Bob let's have another drink.

   I have discovered the best way to get a mani pedi as a guy and still have it be manly. Take your daughter and just be the awesome Dad who's bonding with her over something she likes... nobody can question that and all the single moms just swoon. Bonus!

   Pointing And LOLing, At Kids Falling Off Their New RipStik They Got For Christmas.

   I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas too fight...I'm starting too think I'm living in the wrong city....

   Dear Santa, I don't recall asking for a bigger butt for Christmas. It's not that I don't appreciate all the gifts that you brought me, but I'd just like to know... can I exchange it for a smaller size?

   the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.

   Only 364 shopping days till Christmas..

   Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.

   When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some

   Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...