Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say alpha...Kenny...body... now say it all together and fast!! OMG! Ur disgusting!

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...

   thinks he knows why Chloe Kardashian and Chewbacca have never been seen in the same room together...

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   If companies embedded subliminal messages in the code for solitaire and angry birds, productivity would go through the roof.

   Onions can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make ppl laugh

   curious. Who will win, Optimus Prime or Voltes V? ..... Answer: TV remote

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others!

   I have a sudden urge to go skiing........water skiing......in the Caribbean

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   I'm sorry ________, that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine you wanted is still on back order.

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I would have to disagree... I don't believe a witches tit is this cold....

   Call from telemarker with a hot sexy voice = No need for internet porn today!

   unscrewing a bottle of his favorite wine...Chateau Libido! ;)

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others! Until then, don't piss me off because I have nothing to lose being in Time Out already!"

   I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"

   If Facebook and porn were made illegal, it would free up a good 10 hours of my life every day