Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hates when he gets really comfortable in bed just to relize he left the over head light on and the switch is all the way across the room

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   See, you think I give a sh@t.. Wrong! In fact, while you talk,I'm thinking; How can I give less of a sh@t?that's why I look so interested..

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other for silly reasons !!!... :P :D

   Non-Alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin. Tastes the same but just not right.

   took a bucket of Legos to Lowes and asked the cute manager "Let's build something together" that's when I got thrown out of Lowe's.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

   Dear young Americans, (age group 18-25) please continue to post pictures of you partying and drinking, (some of you underage). It will make it easier for a future employer to decide whether to hire you or not

   Word of advice, Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

   82 notifications later and I regret liking your status. :|

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   Since the snow stopped i've been skiing to work :-)

   theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" Umm... was it so I could answer your damn riddles? Officer, you know perfectly well what I did. Let's get this done so I can get back to being late for work.

   We like to pretend each season is three months long, but truth be told, Spring and Fall are slackers.

   I just got a good deal on a hamster from a puppy mill...he's really cool, he doesn't even need a wheel because he has no feet...yeah I like to just move him around the cage every few hours :)

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.