Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.

   If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, go chase a squirrel!

   spent my life in books and written pages, lived and learned from fools and from sages

   my ship finally sailed in, but I was standing at the train station :/

   She didn't find, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?", as funny as I did...

   Easily I approach, the microphone because I ain't no joke....

   I really don't give a flying fig WHO is in the Super Bowl. I just want to know who's hosting the party.

   Grandchildren are god's reward for not killing your kids

   keep all of your issues in your tissue box and out of your status box!

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   Why is it the people who talk the MOST, always seem to say the LEAST?!?

   Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.

   Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.

   Man that Bears loss hurt me more than my divorce

   Did you know that 'Go Hang A Salami' is 'I'm A Lasagna Hog' backwards?... ^_^

   Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer extreme follow the leader :)

   I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang,' so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.

   Ok, who slipped me the laxatives?