Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Oh my god, they have Rolling Rock??!!" - said by maybe 2 or 3 people a year.

   I'm fairly sure "PIMPIN LIKE BUBBA GUMP GOES SHRIMPIN" is the worst text I've ever sent.

   Thought I'd better warn you. Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   as much a chance with the ladies as a bird does flying safely through Arkansas

   I'll baffle them with brilliance, then I'll let you talk.

   madder than a Keebler elf being demoted to fudge packer.

   FACEBOOK: Where dramatic people post about "drama" thus creating more of it.

   The next pay it forward status I see I'm going to respond Hopefully we barely know each other and they live really really far away. Take that stranger. I want cookies delivered to my door.

   My South Beach diet says no alcohol: I figure it like this wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, Gin is made from juniper berries and beer and whiskey are also made out of wholesome grains. Got to be healthy, bottoms up!

   Whose bed HAVE my boots bed under? Seriously, I can't find them anywhere.

   Went to go check my Mega Millions ticket and got pissed off because the clerk sold me a Powerball ticket instead. Oh well I guess I'll just fantasize about winning 34 million now instead.

   Lindsey Lohan?Yeah i'd definitely hit that...In the head...with a baseball bat.

   The homeless guy with the golden voice was offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by

   What do you call a black guy in a three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise?

   To everyone who take time to "Like" my status the very minute I post my status, Get a life and get off the facebook

   Don't you just hate how you finally get Christmas all put away and it's already time to put up the Martin Luther King decorations??...?

   If my fridge smells like fish, but I don't have any fish in it...that's a problem, right?

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.