Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Plan B includes margaritas.

   anxiously waiting on my picture of the person i'm going to be supporting under the new obama care health insurance.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

   I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.

   Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.

   thinking of practicing random acts. Curb your excitement and hold your applause, I never said they were going to be "of kindness"...just random.

   I don't brag at all because I'm just that wonderful.

   I wish comicbook disguises worked in real life. A pair of glasses would open some many possiblities for me.

   each one of my 6 personalities has its own Facebook page.

   I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.

   if it looks, walks and talks like a duck but it smells kinda fishy, it's probably a Democrat trying to keep their office...

   Animal planet really makes it hard for me to enjoy The Lion King. =(

   Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places, take the brothel for instance.

   Every path has its puddle; where as, every Cosby has his pudding.

   my nephew thought my Ex-girlfriend was part of the X-men...So I replied "no nephew, she just look like a Beast".

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   an apple a day will keep the doctor away; so will the lack of health insurance.

   liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?

   Just herd the cast of Jersey Shore is going to Italy next season...That's great!!! I hope they stay there. -_-