Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   's words to live by: Treat everyone you meet with dignity and respect but always have a plan to kill them.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   First the dead birs in Arkansas, now the 2 million dead fish in Maryland. Are we in a Michael Bay disaster movie?

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   whoever believes this 2012 crap about the world ending.......i mean seriously.....maybe the Mayans just figured it was already thousands of years past their time so why keep counting..........just sayin.......

   A movie about Justin Bieber's life? I am looking forward to part 2, "From Puberty To Obscurity."

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time

   The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows

   I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

   Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!

   When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?

   Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan

   Dear Hotel Decorator, why do you insist on putting the coffee maker next to the toilet?

   Johnny Weir came out as gay in his new book.... in other news the sky is blue