Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day.

   all of you that believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

   The sack race.. finally Roy Hodgson wins something!

   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS NOW IS SERVING OATMEAL. HMMM THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A PROSTITUTE FOR A KISS......

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   Wishing the King a happy 76th Birthday, where ever he is.....

   Unemployment rate falls to 9.4% and the U.S. economy added 103,000 jobs in December. This means 102,993 can now spend more time on Twitter!

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   Let's say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'd take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

   You should never laugh at mentally challenged people,.. it's just not cooI, I have feelings too!

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   a guys favorite line to a female "we'll just lie here and cuddle"

   just risked a car accident to type this...