Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier,I was was so pissed of....Though to be fair it was my owne fault for leaving them on.

   What comes after 3D, scratch and sniff?

   Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

   Chicks dig it when I stretch out before showing off my dart skills.

   Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.

   My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7

   Looks like the forecast for the week is scattered school days.

   Sometimes I wonder if my homeowners insurance will cover the destruction my 3 and 5 year old can do in a short period of time, I look at the mess and think to myself- Had an F5 hit my place- at least the debris would be in my neighbors yard

   Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again

   Don't wish me a good day, I was looking forward to having a bad and taking it out at YOU!!!

   Confucious say, "Women's panties not best thing in life, but next to best thing in life."

   Some things are meant to be just once in a life time. -Sincerely, One Night Stand

   What's 69+69? Dinner for four.

   What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets.

   What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.