Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

   WOW!! This winter storm system spans 2000 miles!!

   How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush

   Did you hear about the new, talking-terrorist doll? They don't know what it says; everyone is afraid to pull the string.

   How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

   Jerry "The King" Lawler, Number One Contender for the title!!!!!!!

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done

   Sometimes to much to drink is never enough

   Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter