Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5286 of 6446

figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
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02-01-2011 01:50 by mile
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WOW!! This winter storm system spans 2000 miles!!
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02-01-2011 01:48 by ROMAN
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How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"

I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
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02-01-2011 00:58
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How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush
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02-01-2011 00:57
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Did you hear about the new, talking-terrorist doll? They don't know what it says; everyone is afraid to pull the string.

How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
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02-01-2011 00:41 by BEGO
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Jerry "The King" Lawler, Number One Contender for the title!!!!!!!
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01-31-2011 23:15
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If you try to fail and succeed which have you done
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01-31-2011 22:53
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Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
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01-31-2011 22:38
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Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream
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01-31-2011 22:34
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The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.
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01-31-2011 22:29 by Aaron
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If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"
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01-31-2011 21:58
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, "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".
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01-31-2011 21:25 by Joe
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wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....
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01-31-2011 20:44 by juneau
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If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter
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01-31-2011 20:31
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