Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   In my opinion,nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend untill they get married...

   Either I made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

   Q: What do you call a Packers fan holding a bottle of champagne after the Super Bowl? A: Waiter.

   Super Bowl Sunday is always followed by National Call Into Work Sick Day.

   ╔═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══════════════╗ ♥ SEX, ALCOHOL & FOOTBALL - IT'S SUPER BOWL WEEKEND!!!!!!!! ♥ ╚═══════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ═══�

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   I always thought visiting Egypt would be fun. Now I hear it's a RIOT!!

   Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...

   The wife is playing Wii table tennis and screaming at the TV. The kids are hiding in their room. LMAO!

   Dear Protesting Egyptians: Please do not destroy the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Sincerely, the Jews

   No I do not want to see who deleted you from facebook in 2010.. And if you keep it up, I'm going to be first on the list for 2011..

   already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.

   Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??

   Okay........So on a scale from one to Courtney Love how drunk are you right now????

   When those 3 phonecalls a day turn into a couple of text messages a week #DownHillRelationship

   #DontTextandDrive cause your "LOL" can turn into an "R.I.P"

   When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there......just in case it needs help