Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't help but laugh at that Shake Weight commercial. If you've seen it, you know exactly why

   I need to move some money around. By that, I mean...I'm going to take the change from my console and convert it to bills, so I'll have money in my pocket!

   can't believe Mark Zuckerberg has a stalker. It's not like he puts all of his information out there or anything.

   it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   met a girl last nite that charged by the inch... I didn't have enough money but I figured she'd be a good deal for you.

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

   When the lady at Walmart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say Your Welcome!

   You don't need 50 expletives in a Facebook status. It makes you look -- uneducated.

   If reading this status message caused premature death, you may be entitled to compensation. Please call our law offices if this has happened to you

   Its so cold and the snow is so deep it wouldn't shock me if I found Megatron when I shovel.

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   You guys ever notice that the crazy girls on every season Bachelor kinda look the same? I don't know maybe CRAZY looks the same on everyone.

   currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery......who has something nice to say?

   "Egypt.......please don't destroy the pryamids. We won't rebuild them." -- The Jews

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Guys, it's time to start working on those apologies for Valentine's Day.