Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to take this moment of silence for the black eyed peas career.... (grunting.... plop.... flush)

   People are often worried about the mafia, but I think it's Justin Beiber we should be worried about. Get on Beibers bad side and he can send tens of thousends of angry young girls over to your house to totally kick your butt! Beib's the new John Gotti.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   I put my Xbox Achievments on College Applications. I got accepted to Princeton

   Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   When you refer to Ben Roethlisberger as being a "loser" in The Super Bowl, you DO NOT have to use the word "allegedly".

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   I miss the good ole days when moms wanted us home for dinner she didn't have to use a cell. Her speed dial was yelling "time to eat" out the window.

   Ah the warm feeling when you see your ex has gotten fat.