Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   February is National Chocolate Lovers Month, it's also Black History Month... coincidence?

   Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!

   be warned if you piss me off today I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you will need to stick your toothbrush up your backside to clean them

   Sometimes all you need is a good beer a walk and a talk to realize all you Need is a good beer a walk an a talk..

   Mabee someone shoulda gave christina one of those wristbands the quarterbacks use and wrote the lyrics on it.

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic

   "Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby."

   Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

   playing around with the google doodle/logo :p

   When times get tough, just live a little more and laugh twice as much.

   Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

   If my girlfriend had a little plasma on her forehead with a football game on, I'd always give her my undivided attention.

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   I get on the elevator at my hotel in Vegas and there is a girl in a wedding dress, she had just gotten married. She says to her friend "I can't wait to get changed". Old guy on elevator immediately says "Change into what, a b!tch?"

   Sometimes I think NASA is making shit up just to see if anyone's listening.

   I ate jalapeno's yesterday on my nacho's and I now know the what the "burning ring of fire" was all about....

   Facebook Commandment III: Thou shall not set thy profile pic as some hot celebrity even if thou looketh like an ugly mongoose

   why do you fear & hate someone who apparently is a lazy pig? Is it because you live in a whole and wipe your ass with your hand while that lazy pig has a house and understands cleanliness & hygiene? Hmmm? Perhaps.