Funny Status Messages

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   Socialist: A person who wants everything you have except your job.

   A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm weak anyway.

   Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to

   I called the Coronavirus hotline. I kept getting a recording about soy sauce saying, "Do not refill bottle with other than Kikkoman!"

   Sleeping In A Car By Age: 12 And Under: Very cool 13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal 18+: Uh-Oh

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   As you get older you quit looking towards the future And find yourself longing for the Pasture

   A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"

   When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone

   My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?

   Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

   I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.