Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.

   Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.

   : It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.

   Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.

   Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.

   Funny thing about folks in Daytona...they hardly ever go to their beach, and complain when other folks do.

   Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.

   I'm so old I remember when Amazon dating used to be called a mail order bride.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   If you didn't have a significant other on Valentine's Day but still hoping to meet someone, go mingle around the 50 to 70% off candy section.

   I avoided the fat little chubby kid with wings carrying a weapon and marking myself safe after The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.

   Happy singles awareness day everyone!

   Now that Valentine's Day is over and cake candy and flowers are 50% off, if anyone's interested I'm single!

   Cops just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside...

   I'm on this new diet. I only eat after my wife agrees to sex. So far I've lost 72lbs.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   I don't care if you like Trump, just don't be like him and hate all non white races.