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My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.
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10-09-2019 06:32
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What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
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10-09-2019 06:22
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E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.
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10-09-2019 06:21
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Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
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10-09-2019 06:21
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If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?
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10-09-2019 06:20
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Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming
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10-09-2019 06:20
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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10-09-2019 06:20
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Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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10-09-2019 06:19
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I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.
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10-09-2019 06:19
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Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off
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10-09-2019 06:17
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The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.
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10-09-2019 06:16
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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10-09-2019 06:16
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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10-09-2019 06:15
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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10-09-2019 06:15
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Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no
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10-09-2019 06:14
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museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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10-09-2019 06:14
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We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles
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10-09-2019 04:57
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"buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
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10-08-2019 17:53
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What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.
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10-08-2019 05:43
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Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.
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10-08-2019 05:42
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