Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!

   There's an 80% chance that a meteorologist is going to be wrong.

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...

   An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

   Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...

   I cant wait till April 7th of this year!!! "Oh thank heaven 4-7-11"

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   party in my treehouse at 430

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   "Everybody loves metal music, or if they don't, they should, or will eventually." - Metal Musicians

   you're like an open Facebook

   When the Old Spice Guy comes after your girl, your not offended, your honored.

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.