Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Whoa, this weather is bringing out everything.. Theirs some old people out driving right now and don't even know it..

   PLEASE NOTE... Facebook has changed its News Feed, so that by default, you can only see updates from people you've recently interacted with! To change this, click on the arrow next to 'Most Recent', then 'Edit Options', and check the box to receive updat

   I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers!

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't messed things up all of the time, they could have been off that island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That guy is hiding something.

   this one sucks.. keep scrolling

   Sometimes I like to press ‘2' for spanish….and scream, “LA MIGRA!!!! RUN FOR THE TUNNELS!!!!!”

   I've only got a couple more years in my "fat stage of life" before I start getting refer'd to as the "fat friend"

   thinks you have been single too long when lubraderm sends you a Valentines card.

   had a go on one of those fairground stalls where you shoot a duck and you win a prize . I noticed if you aim the gun at the owner of the stall you get all the prizes

   has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal"

   If I am ever on life support and you pull my plug, wait 5 minutes and plug it back in.It seems to work great on my modem!

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed as meat, now she went to the Grammy's in a egg. Two more red carpets and she will be a Denny's Grand Slam

   If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   What could possibly possess a parent to start a Facebook page for their 2yr. old? What would they (the child) do on here... Swap naptime stories, snack recipes and gossip about the playground with their Day Care buddies??

   White Chocolate Milk. Tell me your mind wasn't blown just now...