Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I wasn't to be Egyptian , I would've wished so . 100% proud

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed... act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaay better than you.

   wishing that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I'm not doing this morning.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   working on harnessing the addictive component in meth…figure if I can bottle it, fast food companies and ugly people everywhere would pay me millions for it!!!!

   Feb 15, time to go back to not loving each other.

   alcohol may cause more deaths than AIDS, TB, and violence... but doesn't it make up for it with pregnancies?i

   Tomorrow Facebook will change its settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep & eat your brains with a sharpened spoon. To stop this from happening go to Accounts/Home Invasion Settings/Cannibalism/Brains & un-check the "Tasty" box.

   The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time!

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.

   I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   ‎1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!

   it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?

   Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

   you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!