Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 523 of 6447

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...
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02-22-2020 14:41 by Gabe
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the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?"
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02-22-2020 10:14
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f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."
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02-22-2020 10:14
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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02-22-2020 10:11
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I was at the park flying my kite and this guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"
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02-22-2020 10:09
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Last Reminder: It's St. Patrick's Day in about 3 weeks...take down your Christmas decorations.
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02-22-2020 10:02
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Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'
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02-22-2020 10:01
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Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...
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02-22-2020 10:00
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A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels
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02-22-2020 10:00
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I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"
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02-22-2020 09:59
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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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02-22-2020 09:57
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My anger management class pisses me off
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02-22-2020 09:57
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Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"
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02-22-2020 09:53
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If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?
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02-22-2020 09:53
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When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.
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02-22-2020 09:50
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It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening
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02-22-2020 09:48
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Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.
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02-22-2020 09:32
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My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.
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02-22-2020 09:28 by Fazzy
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Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.
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02-22-2020 07:37
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I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.
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02-22-2020 05:36
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