Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.

   I'm not a smartass... Just being around me makes you feel like a dumbass...

   I named my d!ck "Hopes" because I like to keep my hopes up.

   The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."

   This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.

   it just me, or does "I Am Number Four" just sound like a really bad Brett Favre pickup line?

   FACEBOOK IS A HELL OF A DRUG!!!

   "What is that? A banana? Aw who gives a $hit?" -Disinterested George

   Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today…I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that is why I dinged it up a bit, and left this message via key…just trying to help it ‘fit in'â€

   Charlie Sheen has been giving people advice on sobriety. Hmm, that's kind of like Tiger woods or Jessie James giving advice on how to be a good husband.

   well a very, very heavy uh heavy der burtation tonight, we had a very daris darison, bite.. lets go hit taris tazen los tada bet dahadapet....there's no telling what you'll say when you have a migraine.

   Justin Bieber was shot last night!!! Well, on an episode of CSI. If only art could imitate real life for once, this would be the time!

   was wondering why kamikaze pilots bothered to wear helmets!

   Why do all the beautiful women with blond hair, dye their roots brown?

   Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.

   Presidents Day is just another Monday I'm celebrating Sarah Palin not being president

   Wondering if Snookie's parents have a bumper sticker that says, "Our daughter is a slut on Jersey Shore" or "Our Slut can beat up your Slut!"

   trying to explain the urine on the ceiling.