Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry, I didn't hear my phone ring. Your profile pic is too loud!

   The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.

   Fire hazards are never a good thing. Except maybe in golf. That would be awesome.

   Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

   wonders if shaving one's head make one truly aerodynamic and thereby fuel efficient? And - can I claim that as a deduction on my taxes?

   when you ask a person "do you miss me" and they respond by saying "Do you miss me". that mean there answer is going to depen on what your answer is, smh people.

   Please don't tell my three year old his oversized black calculator isn't really an iPad. He'd be crushed to learn his dad lied to him.

   Stupid mistakes are made by others. I only make unavoidable errors

   Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?

   Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”

   The tire on my car is shaking like a stripper!

   My emotional response to getting tagged in a Facebook photo could be nominated for an Oscar.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   Caffeine and nicotine; breakfast of champions!

   Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment

   Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.