Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you have certain names that are impossible to spell or pronounce, please be aware that your parents hated you.

    Ugly people: Don't play hard to get, you're already hard to want.

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   After All.....To "Err" is human....But To "Argh" is Pirate!!!!!!!

   You know, come to think of it, I have never seen Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi in the same room either.... Coincidence?? Just sayin...

   Student: can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know can you? Student: B!TCH I WILL PISS ON THIS FLOOR!! 

   whatever happened to Rodney Allen Rippy? I loved that kid.

   After reflecting back on the movie Young Guns, I would say Charlie Sheen finally made it to the "spirit world"

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.

   if you play the Charlie Sheen interviews backwards, they have a secret message. lol

   When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country...It's a whole different way of thinking.

   let Jack Bauer interview Charlie Sheen.

   true friends got your back not sit onthe couch and watch you get your ass kicked .

   I was making dinner when a pan suddenly caught on fire. I don't know which is worse... the fact that I almost set my kitchen ablaze, or the fact that my first reaction was to move my beer to safety.

   When a quiz is NOT multiple choice... You know you're screwed.

   Our government are sounding more and more like a GEICO commerical.

   Charlie Sheen is Kenny Powers with more money.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Just because you a ten cent hoe don't make you a dime piece