Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a gf? Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie doesn't mean I can't score!!

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   I went to the bookstore to buy a 'Where's Waldo' book, but couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Well played, Waldo. Well played, indeed.

   I heard smartphones play chess, but I've been at this table all day and dude won't even move his pawns.

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   USA Today article: "Coffee, sex and smog can trigger a heart attack, study finds". Besides Bill Lumbergh, who is drinking coffee while having sex???

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   Girls these days are chasing nuts like squirrels before winter.

   gas is costing me a arm an a leg, if it hit 5 dollars I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to walk.. .

   Mike Tyson reality show? somebody kill me now.

   Just a kind thought to all those born on February 29th: You've only got 1 year left to plan your birthday party :D

   Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?

   You know that you are broke when your bologna has no first name.

   Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31

   Hi welcome to Hollister, Would you like a flashlight?

   Oh so the "wind is blowing" huh? Thanks for that description genius. But tell me this, have you ever felt wind that doesn't blow?

   Sometimes I feel like only Google understands what I'm trying to say...