Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kid... He'll never find me... He's not old enough to get into the bar...

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN mouth!"

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."

   AT&T makes it very easy to play hard to get.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   Everytime I get on facebook, I feel like I am shopping at Lowe's for bathroom updates.

   Bert and Ernie...it's ok to be gay, it's 2011. Just get married and get it over with.

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   it just me or does Oscar the grouch look like a big pile of weed?

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see

   Thumbs up if your a Mex Thumbs down if you wanna kill all Mex

   checked in to a hotel and I asked if the porn channels could be disabled…She replied “Sick-o”!!!

   Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

   Spongebob, it's been over 11 years. You're not getting your drivers license.

   Never chase them, quickly replace them. Mistakes? Nahh, I don't retrace them. I just move on and mentally erase them.

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   -Grand Theft Auto is the only way I can express myself freely without any consequences....

   Nice guys finish last... because they make sure their women come first ;)