Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cant say out loud.

   There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

   As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis.

   Sheen 2012! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   I heard the gas companies are going to be changing the grades of gasoline from regular, mid-grade, and supreme to tall, grande and venti...

   You don't just turn your swag on, you either got it or you don't.

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

   knows there are things money can't buy. But Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them.

   thinks laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.

   thinks Diarrhea would be a beautiful name, if it didn't mean diarrhea.

   Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

   Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.

   believes the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

   thinks its cool for a guy to have sex with his female teacher. Unless he's home schooled.

   if you take more than 2 minutes to repond in our chat, I shall assume I'm not high on your chat priority list and X out.

   There are three types of people in this world: Those that get math and those that don't.

   Bruno mars is catching grenades and Taio Cruz is using dynamite, well it's obvious they've been playing COD..#blackops