Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.

   When I was growing up, it was just called "the changing of the seasons"

   I ate half a dozen cans of beans today all for nothing. Was I ever embarrased when I found out it's "Fat Tuesday" and not "Fart Tuesday"

   : the only A+ I've gotten in life is my blood type

   thought he was my knight in shining armor, but it turned out he was just some retard in aluminum foil

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   watching this fly as it keeps flying into the window........................heh heh heh.......stupid fly

   Were in the second week of March and the CUBS are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.....lmao

   embarrssed when I think how immature I used to be. However that was in my younger days so I shouldn't be too hard on myeself. I said 'hard on' hahhahahahahaha

   I think I just hit the wrong button on the TV remote at the hotel. Its one of those 9.99 dollar PPV with some really talented ladies. Hmmm, My boss won't believe I did it by accident. Oh well, might as well at least get my monies worth...

   Caught myself singing to Lady Gaga - Born this Way, while shaving my legs. Lmfao

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...and don't care!

   You dont have to believe in the goverment, to be a good American, you just have to believe in your country.

   you notice how every new movie that comes out is labeled as "the #1 movie in america" they should stop with that, cause its getting old!

   Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.

   for lent, I'm giving up fat sticking to my body!!

   I like "rolling in the deep" .

   … Everytime I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls …

   It's going to be weird still checking Facebook when I'm 70.