Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't slap you...I just high-fived your face :)

   Thinks Justin Biebers new haircut makes her look too mature! slow down girl, you got plenty of time to blossom into a woman!

   I belong to a gym...let me rephrase that, I don't belong there. but I go anyway....

   Why does facebook have an option for "In a relationship, but it's complicated"? Are any relationships easy?

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said The Bride, looking out the window. “Well, it is March, it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb,” I replied, coming up next to her. It was then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front

   You take care of ME, I take care of YOU! - Mother Earth

   Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!

   doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck

   Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

   I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   ☑ Just voted myself as Most Popular on Facebook... Can't wait for the Yearbook!

   Ladies do you suffer from camel toe? Well suffer no longer the cure is here!!! Cut a piece of cardboard to fit your under garments and presto chango no toe!!!

   Daylight Saving Time this weekend but try not to lose any sleep over it

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   Pluto was rejected from the planet category because of its crooked orbit; even our solar system kicks the stumbling drunk guy out of the party."

   I don't trust the ground I stand on......... Anymore

   Hey guys, don't ever show a lot of interest in a woman you just started getting to know. If you do, even if she likes you she will stop showing interest.