Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   If I hear one more person saying the worlds going to end because of the Japan Earthquake...I'm going to pray from this day forward that God punches you in the face for your stupidity!!!!

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   I have to admit, I am a Creationist- I believe God was created by man.

   Don't ever think you're nothing because somewhere along the line, there's going to be someone who thinks you're everything.

   I Love People Who Find It Easy To Agree With Me But I Respect The People Who Can Muster The Courage & The Balls To Disagree With Me!!

   thinking she needs a time out from being a grown-up!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

   Why can't the President tackle the real issues? Like mandating all clocks auto-program when there is a time change!

   Some people were dropped as children..But YOU my friend were clearly thrown at a wall!

   I just tried to rewind live TV and it said "Your V+ box has been in energy saving mode and is just waking up" ... crikey I know how it feels!

   "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!

   It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.

   Wow, I had sex last night from 1:58 to 3:01... only felt like a few minutes but I rocked the bed for over an hour!! WOO HOO day light savings!

   OK...it is very important that when it is time to set your clocks ahead to make sure someone didn't already do it before you got there...it's been a long day already

   I figured out why I'm so fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but damn, sometimes it sure puts a smile on my face!

   “People will always talk about you. Might as well give them something to talk about.”

   I would like an order of ambition, & a side of focus, and a large coffee. And could you super size that please? It really needs to last for the rest of the day.

   Economists do it with models