Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   People please!! It's not the end of the world. It's just the beginning of a new, glowing, ticking kind of world..

   Saint Patrick was born in Britain under Roman rule. He was captured by Irish pirates and forced to be a slave.

   Your Fat! and I'm not gonna sugar coat it cause you will eat that too!!!

   Why are there laws against texting while driving and drinking while driving... but not texting while drinking?

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   happy green vomit day!

   wondering how the first prostate exam went..."hold on, you want to stick your finger where?!"

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   St. Patrick 1 - me 0

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to walk away from, and some I would love to punch in the face

   125 shot of nitrous is like a hot chick with STD's.... You know you wanna hit it but your afraid of the consequences!

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   Some times the only way to win is to not suck at the game.

   Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

   Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

   Working at the pizza place today...I came up with a tastier dough, Would you like to try my dill dough?

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."