Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WARNING: As of today - Facebook will start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings>Planetary Settings>Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse'.

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   this Chick that's trying to get him fired for allegedly giving her "Inappropriate Massages" in the Office, or so she claims. I told her "Good Luck Honey: I Don't Even Work Here!!"

   taking a nap.... and not giving it back.

   for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   Why is President Obama out of the country and on vacation when this Charlie Sheen thing is still playing out?

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you

   The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   We all have a lil devil and an lil angel on our shoulders... Only problem is my lil devil is a hypnotist...

     Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.

   Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.

   I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.