Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran out of T.P. and discovered Pledge furniture wipes. Now my pants won't stay up.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   We all need to join together and practice social distancing.

   If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.

   2020 must-have downloaded something from Limewire!!!

   Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow

   China 🇨🇳 Just Released The Name Of The Person Who Had The First Coronavirus.. Ah Chu

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   Yeah, losing St. Patrick's Day was sad. But damn, it was truck month.

   St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.

   The reason stores are running out of toilet paper is because when one person sneezes the other 100 poop themselves. ‬

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   I’m really liking this social distancing rule. Can we make this law?

   I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.

   Forget the stocks. What's the market looking like on truck stop blowjobs? Competition is through the roof.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Want to hear a coronavirus joke? Don't worry you wont get it.

   How absorbent is a cabbage leaf? Asking for a friend.