Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.

   "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.

   7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.

   I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."