Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 511 of 6383
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
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11-07-2019 05:26
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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11-07-2019 05:25
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Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!
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11-06-2019 01:00
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Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.
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11-05-2019 12:02
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It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.
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11-05-2019 07:14
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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11-05-2019 07:13
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing
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11-05-2019 06:23
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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11-05-2019 06:22
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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11-05-2019 06:22
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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11-05-2019 06:22
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.
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11-05-2019 06:22
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Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.
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11-05-2019 03:33
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That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
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11-04-2019 23:46 by Chris
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That black cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
Tried a Walmart pizza for the first time tonight and after biting into it I thought I accidentally cooked it with the cardboard they package them in, but it was just the pizza.
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11-04-2019 20:58
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LSU ranked #1. Bama fans ain't been this mad since they moved the Sudafed behind the counter at Walmart.
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11-04-2019 19:28
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Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?
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11-04-2019 12:37
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The fabrications of criminality are laughable! Finally, your folks are heading for court and prison.
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11-04-2019 08:39
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I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
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11-04-2019 05:49
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*gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*
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11-04-2019 05:47
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