Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

   have you ever noticed that the saying is 'smoking weed affects your memory'- yet you can never forget that single fact?

   not everything is better on weed. Most things are, not everything.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   Not everyone can be a Rockstar.....some of us have to be satisfied with just being the irritating pebble in a shoe....

   why use floss when I can just squirt water through my teeth?? Sometimes the little things will just have to do until I get a robot

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   I spill things :(

   I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.

   So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!

   Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.

   Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.