Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hung-over, Adj. Suffering from near death like state, often catatonic and always with a pounding headache. Unbalanced with no sense of humor. Needs total silence and another drink.

   They should have an option that says "On the Prowl" for your Relationship Status..." Single "just isn't cutting it .

   Stop Ignoring the Signs of the New World Order

   Today's Weight-Loss Tip: Use Krazy Glue instead of lipgloss...

   I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes”

   dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.

   wondering how a flower and several dollar bills ended up in different articles of my clothing last night.....and why a local strip club just called and asked if I wanted to start my first shift tonight.....

   Its almost the time of year when I don't have to worry about leaving footprints in the snow when I'm looking through your window at night.

   Googled "Bing" then Asked to find Wikipedia.

   If your parents don't have children. Chances are you won't either.

   I'd rather play the adult only version of "Duct Duct Tape" if you know what I mean. ;0)

   I am not grumpy. I'm just not a fan of other people today.

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   Despite a great life, I feel all empty inside, Must be time for lunch.

   A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"

   My buddy told me "My wife is an angel" I told him "You're lucky! Mine is still alive"

   I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.

   Worst possible life moment.... Driving down the interstate, a few miles past the "next exit 80 miles" sign, and you realize you have a sudden onset of diahrrea

   I got a phone call saying "Excuse me, do you know for sure that you've been saved by the Lord?" I said "Why, has he told you something?"

   I thought my dog was crazy for humping the air... then one day I tried it. It's pretty underrated