Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all know who we should blame for the war in Libya... Doc why did you steal the plutonium you mad man!!! >_<

   Benefits of legalizing weed: - Tax it to help national debt - Job creation, weed farmers ect. - Substitute for tobacco, tobacco is worse. - Cops don't waste time on non-violent weed users. - Prisons don't waste space on non-violent users. - Gangs loose bu

   NEW FB VIRUS!! THIS IS A BAD ONE!! This virus looks up your kids' birth certificates and sells them on Ebay, your dog will run away, you will gain weight, your cell phone won't get reception, cats and mice will unite, Reading this may have infected you!

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   I took a sip off my dads beer #thuglife

   Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

   My probation officer didn't check on me tonight.....THUG LIFE

   You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job..... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name, amen".

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

   wonders...if you were a hotdog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?

   Have you ever eaten a Hot Dog backwards?

   Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Me neither..but it's a good way to break the ice!

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   : Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, cause I'm the baddest SOB in the valley!

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   Jennifer Aniston has the emotional range of the volleyball in "Cast Away" & the comedic timing of a syphilis outbreak.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.