Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that chemical that gets released in our bodies after sex that makes us think we like someone, hey science can you get rid of that?

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I just ate the chocolate off of 6 peanut butter eggs and now I have a pile of peanut butter... Yeah boyee!!!!!!!!

   There no need to miss someone from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. 

   The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

   1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.

   You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.

   Walk into kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote you lost 30 minutes ago

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him.

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)

   I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   This just in Mr.Cee & Bishop Eddie long got the leading roles in "Brokeback Mountain 2" it's directed by TAKE IT TO THE FACE !!! productions.

   I neverr get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents taught me to give my toys to the less fortunate

   People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).