Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."

   At this rate, the government should start up a fuel stamp program

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   A man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yea sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!"

   Don't wear skinny jeans unless you have skinny genes. And two X chromosomes, Thank You

   I lost the bar trivia last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is , Fiji......

   you correct my grammar, you better believe I will watch you like a hawk until I repay the favor

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten duhh."

   Facebook should change it from 'Friends' to 'People I've made eye contact with

   Enrique Iglesias is far too pretty to be swearing in his songs. Its like being flipped off by a unicorn.

   Dilemma: do I the wash dishes, or attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   you better get a condom for your heart cause i'm about to f*ck your feelings...

   NCAA Championship: are you kidding me?. More like the best 'slapstick' comedy ever!

   Made a list of all the things I still want to do while I'm alive. I put "listen to a Justin Bieber cd" straight after "Suicide". Cant wait...

   The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this won't work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will.