Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   when a stripper asks you to beat the hard level on angry birds you DO IT!!!!!

   "If you spare the rod and you spoil the child"... More like if you spare the rod, there is no child.

   whiskey: the official beverage of the FML

   Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.

   Ohhh! who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge mom sweatpants!

   doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.

   The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.

   People think smoking is hard to quit......but new statistics show that it aint s#it compared to quitting Facebook

   If someone throws a stone at you...Throw a flower at them,,just make sure its still in the pot ;p

   umm I don't consider that a one night stand... That was a audition..

   If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.

   The flea market, but I don't call it the flea market. I break it down into sections. Little Mexico, The Illegal Purse District, Pirated Pathway, and Hot in the Shade.

   Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

   When I was 18, I really thought I was in love. So, I asked my grandfather. ‘ is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

   We now live in a society where a prostitute earns more money than a school teacher. This means we have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now, because I think you're giving me cancer.'

   Southwest Airlines is like a woman's period: it hurts your back and it's usually late.

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???