Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know a lot of people that remind me of clouds. Mainly because as soon as they disappear my day is brighter.

   need one more Red Light so I can get through this level of Angry Birds.

   Thanks Rebecca Black, because of you I don't know if I should sit in the front seat or the back seat.

   dont be a woman that needs a man, be a woman a man needs

   They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?

   I love the wind.. It's the only time I ever get blown

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

   It would blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was San Kinison.

   I'm changing my relationship status to 'It's complicated' ...I can never decide which hand to use

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

   I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other...She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize

   dear GPS, please add an, "avoid ghetto" option.

   if my start phone was so smart it wouldnt get freaked out and start shaking whenever it got a text message.

   i wonder what the first person who milked a cows original intentions were.

   I'd mind my own business if yours wasn't so damn interesting

   God dont need a Dam, he can walk on water.

   My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time" I see "Time to Beat"

   Q. How long will Charlie Sheen's tour last? A: 2 1/2 shows!