Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Internet was down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. They are so fu*kin irresponsible

   Dealing with haters is all about mind over matter. I don't mind cuz you don't matter.

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living $H!T out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

   Dear girls who take pictures in the bathroom, I'm taking a dump in the stall behind you..sincerely.. Dont forget to tag me

   My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears

   I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

   worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.

   n't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my a$$!

   would swim across the Ocean for some of my Facebook friends! Lol, just kidding. There are sharks in there!

   If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..

   Rory's got a Tiger on his ass and he lookin like a Wildebeest!!

   At what age is it approiate to tell my dog he's addopted?

   If you wasn't too into yourself, I'll probably be into you.

   Just did a 50,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with the picture FACE DOWN...

   Darth Vader vs Hitler Epic rap battle in history 2, on utube

   I wish they would make hold music for cell phones

   Don't post something you know will obviously annoy someone and then act surprised when they comment on it. You're not fooling anyone! You are clearly provoking them and want the attention.

   New Rule: If you are currently separated and/or getting divorced you must deleted or at least block your soon to be ex.