Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ■Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air drums sitting on your throne...

   What's the big deal about the Southwest Airlines planes and a fuselage tear? I love a convertible.

   My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find. By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived.

   I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny. I then saved it as 'Whats Up.doc'

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   clocks visible at work should be banned. I can't stop glancing back at it after every task I complete. Its now 10:36

   In life you don't have to have a certain number of friends, you just need a number of friends you can be certain of.

   Don't you love it when you punch someone in the jaw & they don't drop so you get 2 punch em again in the temple.

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.

   SHOW your true colors... and let people paint a picture of you.

   Hide your true colors and let people paint their picture of you.

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."