Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Louisiana has turned blue. Congrats!

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   I know his chest pain was not cause by his heart, because he doesn't have one

   I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.

   Darn it's cold outside!.....which I just thought I'd post for those of you who haven't been outside lately.

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.

   Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.

   Sorry if I end up in your dms this snow ❄🏂 got me sliding everywhere 🤭

   Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”

   Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?

   Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.

   Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out