Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh. 
Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.
I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street
You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.
People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know
going to spend her cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home
• Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!
Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.
Facebook Gurls are sooo silly,U post the Sluttiest Photos of Ur self, & then you get Pissed when sum1 calls you Ugly,Cry when sum1 calls you fat,& offend By The Creepy guys friend request,grow up,& put sum cloths on
Killing two pigs with one bird!
While surfing for spring and summer fashions on the web, I found myself on the Victoria Secret page when my 13 year old boy-child entered the room. He made the comment, “Isn't that a site for hot girls?” To which I responded, “Go to your room.”
Let's make the days count, not count the days.
I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.
When I grow up I want to be a kid.
If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.
was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free
A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.
I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(
Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."
Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money! 