Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   Feeling like a slurpee? Go 4-7-11

   I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out....

   Thank heaven 4-7-11

   Stupid people exist just to make you feel better about yourself.

   Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

   Uncle Luke is running for Mayor of Miami... (no punch line..its funny enough!)

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   it too late convert Charlie Sheen into a Redsox's fan so they can start winning?

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   watches the Dancing with the Stars each week, hoping "Johnny Lawrence" jumps on stage and sweeps Ralph Macchio's leg.

   checking out Chatroulette and all I'm seeing are a bunch of guys pointing at me - HEY WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S NOT A FINGER!!

   thinks if you do not have enough regret in your life, try shaving your head while living in Western PA.

   believes "Law and Order" should feature the characters from Scooby Doo - well at least for one episode.

   You remind me of my Chinese friend.. Ug Lee

   Kids are looking at Google Earth...I told them when I was growing up my Google Earth consisted of a map, a push pin, and a post it note that said you are here

   wondering why Charlie seems to have lost his Sheen...

   tellin the snow to "GET OF MY LAWNN"

   forgetting about the price tag.... and hoping my dad does the same whenever he gets my credit card statement!!